Day 5

Sun, May 2

And so, we enter the hardest day of the trip: getting back home without strangling anybody.

10:19 am

All packed and waiting for the shuttle to the airport.

Robert's luggage seems to have a real penchant for being opened and inspected by the Government. For the last couple of trips, he's tried to think of a "fun" thing he could put in his luggage to liven up the inspector's day.

"Chicken entrails would be good," he says, "although that'd be a tad tough on my undies..." Pretty much anything that'd be really gross to touch is also pretty gross to have in your underwear.

Today, he has a flash of inspiration. He takes the inspection card he got on the way to SF (the one that says, "Hi! We used your taxes to paw through your underwear so we could catch some terrorists!"). He carefully places it on top of his packed clothes, just like they do after they inspect the bags.

"This way," he says, "when they open the bags, they'll think, "Whoa! Did we already check this one?" It's fairly pointless, but it makes Robert feel better.

10:40 am

The van driver has shown up, and is now trying to figure out where the next pickup is. We don't mind this (we learned in NY to always have a map with you when you get in a cab, in case the driver needs help).

What we mind is that he's using a magnifying glass to look at the map.

We hope his distance vision is good, because he's not wearing any glasses. We make sure our seatbelts are secure and we're in the full, upright position the whole drive.

Along the way, we pass a sign for the "Cow Palace." Laura sez that this used to be a cattle auction place, but when they ran out of cattle, they decided to use rock stars. They don't actually sell the rock stars (you can only rent them), but apparently, they put in a stage and charge people money to watch people play music in a place that used to be knee deep in manure.

"It's like Carnegie Hall!" says Laura.

Robert thinks there might be one or two tiny differences...

11:07 am

It's been relentlessly sunny the entire time in SF, so Robert has on his sunglasses during curbside check-in at the airport.

He is asked to remove his sunglasses by the check-in lady, which just puzzles the heck out of him. Are blind terrorists loading up their eye sockets with high explosives? Lasers? And then disguising themselves as sighted people?

Or even more horrifying--does Robert have a double, and only their eyes are different?

12:30 pm

Okay, the thing that drives us nuts about flying is that it's just like being back in school. We'll tell you when you can get on. Stand in line to get on board. No shoving, no cuts.

Sit quietly in your chairs. No running around. Pay attention to the briefing. We'll tell you when you can go to the bathroom. We'll give you some drinks and crackers, but then you have to be quiet and sit in your chairs.

It doesn't bother Laura so much, but Robert spent a good portion of his academic career pissing off teachers and standing in corners because he hated this kind of fascist regimentation. He's about to disrupt the class, where Laura points out that here, instead of standing in the corner, you get to stand in a jail cell.

So he passes notes instead.

4:00 pm

We finally stagger back through the door of our apartment.

There, the cats look at us and say, "Gone? You were gone?"

Robert & Laura

P.S. Yup, that's it for this trip. But if you need more, you can check out the Third Time's a Charm Trip and look at pictures from the Mediterranean trip last year.

P.P.S. Ig Nobel Prizes! Late September! Boston! Pahking the cah in Hahvahd Yahd!